Before my twins were born, I pictured myself instantly and blissfully connected to them. I had dreamed of the magical mother-child relationship my whole pregnancy, and I couldn’t wait to experience that profound bond with my own babies when they arrived.

And their grand entrance did not disappoint. There were so many feelings that very much lived up to my imagination.

The rush of pure joy I felt when I got to see those sweet little ones for the first time was unlike anything I had experienced before. It was pure love. It was sheer awe. It was an innate need to protect.

I burst into happy tears just watching them sleep in their hospital bassinets and I could have spent hours staring at their perfect faces. I wanted to make sure they were okay and help meet their every need from the moment we heard their precious cries.

Yet, at the very same time, I also was trying to make sense of what was missing. Only a few days after we brought them home, I couldn’t fully wrap my mind around the fact that they were mine. I had just become a mother overnight… I was still in the process of learning this new role along with each of my babies. I didn’t immediately feel some sensationalized maternal bond toward them, even though I really wanted to.

I was disappointed. If I was being honest with myself, it seemed like the way I related to them was a work in progress.

I thought our relationship would be effortless and perfect – and in reality, I was unsure about my connection to these two tiny people that could only sleep and cry. I held on to those wonderful sparks of love and awe I experienced on their birthday, but things weren’t drastically different. It was as if the remarkable link between mother and child that was supposed to appear hadn’t shown up yet.

Over a month later, I legitimately started to question whether my mommy heart had some kind of emotional defect. I mean, shouldn’t my soul just be bursting at the seams with motherly love from some flawless bond? I desperately wanted to experience that special reciprocal attachment between a mama and her babies. And as a first-time mom, it was incredibly disheartening to feel like it wasn’t quite there.

I tried my best to mentally excuse any bubbling concerns about these absent feelings. I told myself that I was going through recovery from major surgery and adjusting to a brand-new life, so it made sense that perhaps there was a lag. I figured my body and my mind would catch up to where I was in the world – a twin mom with the sweetest newborns – and when they did, I would suddenly feel all the earth-shattering emotions of new parenthood that I had been envisioning.

Then, just as the worry was starting to set in, I saw that first smile. I was holding my son, looking into his little face, and talking to him about our morning. I could see his tiny eyes were finally seeing me back. The sweetest flicker of a smile crossed his face, lifting his chubby cheeks into an unforgettable expression of joy.

In that moment, it felt like time stopped. Or my heart skipped a beat. Or I just received the most precious gift of my life. Or perhaps all of them combined.

My eyes started to water with tears. I remember smiling back at him and instantly thinking,” …my mommy heart isn’t defective after all.”

Every day following that one, my relationship with both our twins continued to get more fun, more fulfilling, and more special. I simply can’t imagine my world without them.

It turns out that I never needed to doubt the connection I shared with them. The involuntary reaction I had to that first smile told me everything I needed to know. I was in love with these babies of mine, and I was deeply bonded to them. In fact, that bond was there all along – it had been growing just as they did.